Want, Order, Have

Now Playing: Steve Miller Band - Fly Like An Eagle

I was watching Demons the other day - the show is nothing special, except as a showcase for Philip Glenister's inexplicable "American accent" and if I were him, I wouldn't draw attention to it - when a character was told to read Bram Stoker's Dracula and asked, "Can I watch the movie instead?"

We - Generation Y for Youtube - take it for granted that a given text has been adapted for either the big or the small screen and further assumes that these adaptations are readily accessible, whether through Blockbuster, Netflix, or any of the plethora of legal and illegal download options. Caveat Lector: the faithfulness of the adaptation is never guaranteed. In fact, it cheers my cold, cynical heart to think of some hapless high school student writing about Hester Prynne and Arthur Dimmesdale's happy ending and promptly getting an F for his or her troubles.

In fact, we're not just the Youtube generation, we're the on-demand generation. I remember being lectured by a TA, "You guys have it so easy! When we had to look papers up, we had to actually go down to the library and look up references on index cards! All you guys have to do is sign on to Pubmed, work some key-word magic, and BAM!" (By this point, I realized that an extension on that assignment was highly unlikely.)

The cliche is coming true: the internet can bring most of the world to your finger tips if (a) you have a credit card or paypal account and live somewhere covered by major retail websites' shipping policies, or (b) you have good bandwidth and flexible ethics. The flipside of this is that "getting it done online" has gone from being one option among many to the only choice. If some horrible, Jericho-esque apocalyptic scenario does occur, the sound of clicking Ctrl + Z en masse will fill the land, fading out slowly as people die of radiation poisoning.

Or how about that other classic of apocalyptic fiction - the zombie epidemic?

"We're out of ammo and the zombies are getting through!"
"Don't worry, I ordered us fresh supplies from Amazon. One Day Rush!"
"There is no more Amazon, f***er!"

And then the crazy, right-wing, right-to-bear-arms, guns-and-ammo-stockpiling nutjobs will inherit the earth.

Stephen Gately, 1976 -2009

Now Playing: Boyzone - Words

Stephen Gately, Boyzone member, died this month. He was only the second celeb I ever had a crush on - the first was David Duchovny - and hearing of his death makes me feel old in ways a simple birthday could never do.

Rest in Peace, Stephen. I still have my Boyzone tapes, and your autograph, and that embarrassingly large poster tucked away somewhere and when my (imaginary, hypothetical) girls go through their boyband phase, I'll think of you and know how to deal. My teen self sends all her love.

Oh, what's the point?

There is no justice in the world when Tracey Emin makes enough money to qualify for the UK's top tax rate.

Tracey Emin - whose most famous work is arguably My Bed, which was pretty much her bed and associated detritus - stained sheets, used condoms, underwear stained with menstrual fluids (yes, really) as well as more workaday items such as slippers - earns more than 150,000 pounds a year. That's atleast 248,000 Canadian Dollars or 873,000 UAE Dirhams per year.

Don't even get me started on Damien Hirst.

Nostrada-Me

Now Playing: Bomba Estereo - Fuego

I've said it here already, but I want to repeat it so I can grumble, "I called it!" when Palin romps to victory in 2012:

Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize is less a Norwegian sigh of relief at the Bush Jr years coming to an end and more a giant right-wing conspiracy to ensure a Republican victory in 2012. First, moderate voters are going to think, "Well, what did Obama even do to win that Nobel? If he doesn't deserve the Nobel, why does he deserve the presidency?" Goodbye popular vote, goodbye landmark Northern Democrat electoral college victory! Next, this is going to hella cement the right-wing vote. "Anyone but Obama 2012! The Europeans like Obama, and everyone know's they're socialist and going to HELL!"

Seriously, that's the only way this award makes sense. I like Obama as much as the next left-wing pinko bleeding-heart liberal, but... no. Just, no.

Oh Dearie Me

Now Playing: Antonio Carlos Jobim - Desafinado

A bit of background - a woman is hanging with her friends on King Street in Toronto, guy comes up to her all SuperSmooth, she gives him her card to get him to go away, and he calls back. Via Jezebel, here's a transcript of the two messages he left her - that she forwarded to local radio station Z103.5 (Today's Hit Music!).

Message the first:

Hey Olga, it's Dimitri.

Sorry I had to leave such a rushed message with you when we met the other day. I just wanted to quickly give you my phone number, and needed to get the heck out of the area. In any event, I thought I had better leave you a more detailed message and explain why I approached you. I am single. I have no trouble meeting women; I mean, women approach me six or seven times a day. But I'm extremely particular about what I like.

You're an extremely elegant woman. I couldn't take my eyes off you, and your friends were very jealous — even if they say they weren't, they were envious of the fact that I approached you, and I was very taken by you. Elegant women are very rare. I'm Greek and I'm extremely particular about what I like. So I'm giving you an opportunity here. I don't know if you picked up the message on the weekend but I'm working on a movie script so I'll be doing that all weekend…

This looks like a land line, and if it is you may not get the message till Monday. But when you do, call me and we'll get together for coffee or drinks, and let the romance begin. You looked very taken aback by my approach, and I hope that wasn't timidness, I hope it was just shock at being approached so directly. Because I don't really date timid women, because I'm a very direct, very passionate, very assertive man, and I want a woman who is very independent and strong. So… we'll talk about that, but I just wanted to formally introduce myself. I leave the ball in your court. You call me as soon as you have the courage to. Okay, Olga? Talk to you soon, bye.

Message the Second:

Hi there, Olga it's Dimitri calling again, the guy from the street.

I left you a message several days ago you said you were interested. Now, here's the way I work. I don't like leaving second messages but I like you, you're a very elegant woman, you're very attractive, but, you know, I don't play that game. I know your friends tell you not to return calls; you're playing games like you see in stupid TV shows.

So here's how it's gonna work. It is now 4:30 on Wednesday. Now I'll assume, I'll assume that you've already left work, because, you know, some people leave work early, so I'll grant you that. But if I don't receive a phone call back from you by 3 o'clock Thursday afternoon I'm no longer interested and I'm going to erase your number. I don't play games like that.

I'm completely single, I'm very intelligent, I'm great in bed, I make great money. Believe it or not, I'm a complete catch. I've only been single four months; I had a long distance relationship for about a year, it's very tough to maintain it like that; there's nothing wrong with me. As a matter of fact I'm one of the few men in the city that has nothing wrong with him. So I'm giving you the three o'clock deadline. If I don't hear from you by then, you lose my number — I'm erasing your number right now, so you won't be hearing back from me.

So that's it: three o'clock tomorrow, or you can just completely forget it.

Now I understand if you've got other issues, maybe you're not playing games, I don't know… maybe you were abused in childhood?…Maybe your mother has cancer, and you're going to chemo…maybe you're just a person who's extremely frightened or has an anxiety disorder, maybe you're on some medication for that…I don't know, there could be another issue that I'm not aware of. But nobody says "Call me," hands a person a business card and then doesn't return calls. It's extremely passive aggressive. You should actually look that up, passive-aggressive personality disorder. You let me know, if you've got issues, psychological issues, if you're on any sort of medication for anxiety or depression, I'm not interested. But if you're psychologically normal, and you haven't called me because there's been some horrible thing that's happened in your life that's prevented you from returning my calls, that's fine. But otherwise? Don't call me. Okay, bye.

You can listen to the original recording here, but this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is why people still go for arranged marriages in this day and age.

[Caveat Lector: It's not entirely clear, but this Dimitri the Doofus recording is probably a fake, created as a viral marketing campaign for a movie (Douchebag: The Movie? Send in your suggestions!). It's probably why the Jezebel post refers to the initial encounter happening in San Francisco rather than Toronto, though the names remain the same.]